Dreams and Rich Mullins

Today is going to be a little different....again. I'm sure I'll find a verse at some point during this blog to share, but mostly I will be quoting a song by one of my favorite Christian artists of all time, the late Rich Mullins.

"You who live in Heaven hear the prayers of those who live on Earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love and who get hardened in the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us after You had flown away?
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get."

Days as of late have been a little bit of a rough for me. I don't do vulnerability very well - with my friends family or God. I have made an art out of letting people think they're closer to me than they are, know me better than they do, and see more for who I am when they couldn't be further from the truth. To be honest I have loved it because it allowed me to control my role in the lives of the people around me....not the best way to cultivate relationshps but it worked for me...or so I thought.

And then a good friend of mine gave me this verse John 16:24 Until now you have not asked for anything in My name. Ask and you will recieve and your joy will be complete. Really? Huh...

I started to realize how many dreams I was hiding from God...or thought I was hiding from God. Dreams I held so tightly in my fists that they started to leave marks on my wounded heart. I don't say that to be poetic - however it might sound - I say that because in many ways I grew up feeling very broken. My dreams seemed to be the purest pieces of me and I was not willing to share them with anyone. So much of who I am has been criticized or mocked as I grew up - my height, my weight, the fact that I talk "too much"...I couldn't let anyone see the deepest desires of my soul just so they could destroy those too! So I kept them all to myself hoping that they would stay in my glass jars, bittersweet reminders of things I always wanted, but would never be. So for someone to tell me to pray for the things I really really REALLY want? "Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath..." yeah...I don't think so, God.

But, against everything my nature tells me, I started praying for three things, three very simple but very important things to my heart. I prayed without my normal hindered feelings of doubt and unbelief and I wholeheartedly trusted God to come through for me. As it turns out, these three things had a sort of time frame to them so I would know  within a certain amount of time if my prayers were to be answered or not - at least the way I wanted them to be.

"And I know You bore our sorrows, and I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out at the One who loves me most
And after I have figured this somehow, all I really need to know....."


From that I suppose you can guess that I "didn't get" what I prayed for when I wanted it.

"If You who live in Eternity hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead and we can not break free of what we've left behind."

This was so different for me. In this moment, I've been tempted to (and sometimes did) ask "why not, God? I did what You asked! Why couldn't I at least have one? Just one? They weren't selfish prayers..just small little things I wanted that would have in the end helped me help other people....now what?"

"I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ear
All these words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless  you've led me here
To where I'm lost enough to let myself be led"


So now what? Do I go back to who I was before, denying everything I know about the plans God has for me? Do I question everything I truly feel He's been showing or saying to me lately just because the deadline came and I'm still here? No...I guess not. Why? Simple...I'm still here. I don't know what God is doing or why I'm in a place that I don't really know where I'm going. But I am going to offer up my dreams to the Artist who painted them on my soul, I'm not going to take them back because I've yet to see where they'll be displayed. Who I am...who I am created to be is a work in progress with dreams and hopes that were whispered in my ear by the Creator as I was being created. In Jeremiah 1:5, God tells us, "Before I formed you in your mother's womb I knew you, before  you were born I set you apart." If my faith is growing as I say it is, it will not falter now because I didn't get what I wanted. It stands firm knowing that my Father, my Abba, my Daddy can see the finish line even though I'm still running this race. He has my best interest at heart and my dreams - the dreams HE gave me will come true when the time is right.

"...and so You've been here all along, I guess. It's just Your way and You are just playing hard to get..."


*thanks for the reminder, Rich*

Goodnight World....dream BIG!
~Mo

Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus