Look to the Sky

You are God alone, from before time began
You were on Your throne, You are God alone.
And right now, in the good times and bad
You are on Your throne, You are God alone.

You are God Alone - Philips, Craig and Dean

I know normally my song choices are a little longer, but today, on this day, that's all I've got. Like probably many of you, I've spent the day glued to the television watching endless hours of the news coverage detailing the horrific tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. All four of my children are between five and ten years old....the exact ages of the 20 babies that died at the hands of a gunman while they sat in their classrooms. 

As a parent, these stories are hard for me. Who kills kids? What possible reason could anyone have for murdering a child? Like you, I'm angered, I'm saddened, I'm confused, I'm heartbroken. As a Christian, I admit these stories are hard for me. I am sometimes more than tempted to question God. "Where were You when this guy decided it was his job to kill someone's kid?" "How could You let this happen?" "How does this show love?" 

And then I remember, the same free will that I appreciate when I get to decide what to have for breakfast or how long I'm going to play the Sims 3, this man has. It's easy to want to choice away from those who abuse it, but, then how do we decide? And then I'm horrified because I feel like I'm justifying a man who I wish had just stayed home today instead of taking the lives of 26 people. 

How do we find God in tragedy? 

My husband decided to peel me away from the coverage with a mission - grocery shopping for dinner. It only did but so much good because the whole time we were out, I was talking to one of my oldest friend about a mutual acquaintance who died on Monday of a drug overdose. I've known this person's family for about 20 years so I knew the struggle she had been having for a very very long time. Finally, after holding them back all day, I finally cried.

As we pulled into our driveway, my beautiful six year old daughter looks up into the night, blissfully ignorant of all the turmoil in the world - and for that matter my heart. "Look how beautiful the sky is!" My sweet girl could find a handful of stars, which always amazes her since she could never find any in the metropolitan city we used to live in. She was completely enthralled with the beauty of God's creation. 

"Unchangeable....Unshakable...Unstoppable, that's what You are....."

Even now, in the midst of this horrifying, heartbreaking disaster, God is still on the throne. He hasn't abdicated. He hasn't gone on vacation. He hasn't failed. So how do we respond? We pray for those affected. We pray for our nation. We hold our children closer and remember to tell our friends and family how much we love them. And we use our intellectual capacities to see what real and tangible measures need to be put in place so that senseless things thing these do not keep occurring. We were given minds and it is our moral obligation to use them to the best of our abilities. 

In the meantime, remember to look to the sky. The moon is still out. The stars are still shining. Even if it looks bleak, there is still light. My heart is still shattered for the family I know who lost their adult child to drugs and all the families I know whose lives were forever changed in an instant. I pray for their comfort and peace. But, I know that all hope is not lost. Don't believe me? Go outside...

...and just look up.

All of my love and prayers,

Mo

Pressing the Reset Button

Everybody wanna be like You, they

Want power and praise like You, but

See, there is no God like our God

There's no one like You

Who gave their life like You and

Who paid our price like You

See, there's only one God that's our God

There's no one like You

"A God Like You" - Kirk Franklin

I've been listening to Kirk Franklin for a long time. I'm talking original Kirk Franklin and the Family album that came out on tape and everyone - myself included - learned to mime to it long time. He has long penned lyrics that have ended up being the anthem to my seasons. Whether I was listening to "Blessing in the Storm" or "He'll Take the Pain Away", there was a song for every hurt I endured and I was glad to have such powerful weapons in my worshipful musical arsenal. 

Lately, I've been going through some serious....for lack of a better way to say it, identity issues. I forgot who I am, who God called me to be and I started listening to the whispers of those around me with (logical) reasons why I was not enough of one thing or the other. In the middle of my wilderness I had reasoned that I was going to worship God anyway because He was going to eventually let me see the edge of where I was and into the Promised Land. Such a vantage point never came,so, I worshiped anyway because that is who I and what I do. I would feel better for a little while, but quickly I would get exasperated again with my surroundings and want God to rescue me from where I am.

I have to say this, though - I treasure the journey I am on because I know that there are lives I've touched because of the wilderness I've walked through. I know that the things I've learned and shared God has used and I am honored by that. I'm glad my bad can be used for your good. But, I have been getting to the point where I want some good to come so that can be used too!! As my mom used to say, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

*cue the reset button*

To play on an oldie but goodie Kirk Franklin song, He is the reason why I sing. Not His ability to change what I see or where I am. But, because there's no God like our God. I hear this song almost every Sunday when I leave church. I kept meaning to ask who sings it because I absolutely love it. Today, we went to a Harvest Party at our AMAZING CHURCH and it finally occurred to me to ask our worship pastor. Kirk Franklin. Every "duh" I've ever said to anyone hit me all at once. I mean, c'mon. Who else would it be? So, I came home, promptly bought it and loaded it to my phone. A little further piece of info - before we left for church, I was almost in tears because I am - no - I was tired of being judged for the choices my husband and I have made for our family. 

You became just like me, to unlock and set free, this prisoner who was deeply wounded and redeemed. The me I could not see.

Oh, yeah. That's why I'm a worshiper. Not because of what God can do for me, but, because of what He already did for me. I know my life doesn't end here anymore than His blessings do. But, He is "Healer, Father, Savior. Counselor, Friend, Provider. Was, Is and Forever. That's why I just want to be where You are. I'll travel life with You no matter how far."

My reset button. There truly is no God like our God. You might disagree with me. But, when I look at where I was 15, 10, 5 years ago...when I remember where I was this morning, I know THERE'S NO ONE LIKE YOU!! That is the one and only reason I will ever need to listen to the same song for two hours because my spirit so resonates with this. I am a worshiper. It is how I was created. It is who I am and have always been. That much is clear. But, when I remember the core of the reason I worship is because He is God, everything else falls into place. Everything else simply...

...resets.

#betterthantheeasybutton

<3 Mo

Living in the Land of Fear

Today, I went from thinking about trust to fear. Fear is something that, in some ways, needs to be talked about so that we recognize it for what it is and move past it before it enslaves us and controls our lives. Romans 8:15 is a verse I love to use in my writing because it speaks to so many situations. The New Living Translation of this verse reads, “So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, ‘Abba, Father.’” 

If that’s true, why are we so afraid all the time?

It’s interesting to me how much we grow to fear God. We use all sorts of names and adjectives to describe our Creator. Father. Love. Protector. That doesn’t sound like someone to be scared of to me. Not that we should take God’s sovereignty, power or deity for granted. But, so often we, especially those of us who grew up in the church, approach God like we’re contestants on a game show where He is the prize.

“And, now it’s time for Answer My Prayer the only game show that gives you direct access to the King of Kings! Answer correctly and live righteously and you can win the car, the washing machine AND the dream vacation! But, get three answers wrong and you will live the rest of your life in shame and total agony! Let’s meet today’s contestants!”

As funny as that sounds, I KNOW some of you understand what I mean. We’re so afraid of what we look like, what people think of us or what God sees us doing, that we miss out on the big picture. 1 John 4:18 says, “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love.” I know many Christians who, because of how tightly they hold on to fear, have not fully experienced His perfect love.

I grew up in a single parent home. My mother, who went home to be with God almost four years ago, was a strong Christian who raised my brother and me in the church. As much as those who loved me tried the right thing, they were human. In that humanness, they failed from time to time; we all do. We say the wrong things and do the wrong things and our choices lead to bad feelings in others. Somewhere during my teenage years, I started feeling really insecure. I wondered if I could hear from God because some people led me to believe that I couldn’t. I wondered if I could sing (which many people have always told me I can) because, if I sang at the wrong time (I pretty much sang non-stop), people would get exasperated and frustrated with me. I learned to be so careful of my word choices because I was terrified that people would find me unintelligent if I said the wrong thing. THEN, I panicked more because saying the right thing led some to believe I was ashamed of being black. My entire world was one giant balancing act measuring this action/consequence against that action/consequence to see which one would have less damaging results on my eternal future.

Sounds a bit paranoid, doesn’t it?

But, we live like that every day!!! When one of my best friends send me a text message saying, “God told me to give you this verse, John 16:24, ‘Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.’” I love the way the New Living Translation reads, “You haven't done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy.”

That should have made me excited. Instead, I was paralyzed with fear. What do I ask for? How do I get God to answer my prayer? Maybe, I should ask for something that will be good for Him. So, I sent my prayer request to God with a list of all the reasons it was a good idea. It was more like a meeting in a boardroom with me trying to get God to pick my idea over a host of other ideas from other people. So, I began to think of ways to hyper-spiritualize my life. Every move I made, I was over-analyzing trying to see if what I was doing made me more or less “desirable” to God. I tried to prove to God that I believed He could come through for me. If I didn’t see results, I chastised myself for not having enough faith. It was a year and a half of utter madness, heartbreak and frustration. Nothing I did was enough, I felt, and I was letting God down by not being enough.

There’s only one problem, and it’s a pretty big one…

God didn’t ask me to draw up a business plan and bring it to Him to see if it deserved a stamp of approval. He asked me what I wanted. There are desires we have that are so deep in our soul, the only way they got there is because God put them there. God is not in the business of taking candy from babies. He doesn’t want to take you to a toy store, ask you to pick something out, only to tell you, “NO”, as He points at you and laughs in your face. Our Heavenly Father has chosen to be just that, our Father, our Daddy.

Every time I take my kids to the store, they ask for stuff. Sometimes, I say, “no”, but, and this is the reason they keep on asking, sometimes, I say, “yes”. They’re not afraid to ask for new toys. They don’t make me promises that I’ll get to play with it, too (unless it’s my son, Zachary, and the toy in question is Lord of the Rings based), they just ask. They ask because they know I’m their mommy, and (here is the important part), it brings me great pleasure in doing something nice for them. Just because I love them.

So, I ask you, what is it that you want to take to God that fear is keeping you from? What are the desires of your heart that you keep locked away because you don’t think you’re good enough for a present from God? You haven’t done it before. So, go on, ask. Sometimes, God will tell you that you have to do something, sometimes He says. “wait”, sometimes He says, “no”, and sometimes, He just says, “sure, why not.” Asking doesn’t hurt anything but the fear that kept you away in the first place. Let His perfect love drive out your fear, because, it didn’t come from Him anyway. Experience a love that says, “you are enough simply because I say you are”.

Let me know how it works out. 

<3 Mo

Spiritual Trust Exercises

I've been thinking a lot about trust lately. I suppose much of this has to do with the fact that I - as well as a few of my close friends - have been dealing for a few years with the sickness of a loved one. It's no secret that my oldest son, Kameron, has autism, nor it is a secret that this can be extremely difficult to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I love love love my boy, but there are times when it is hard not to think of my life as the one step forward, three step back dance. In these times, as I'm sure is the case with many of you, it can be hard to trust that God is with me and directing this process.

*cue the playlist*

Even though you feel alone

Even though your strength is gone

As your weary heart just tries to hold on

Even if your faith is lost

Even if its hard to trust

In a Lord, that would let the rain fall down

Trust in me now

Trust in me now 

Trust in Me Now - Anthony Evans

How often is it that music speaks to our pain in a way that we would not otherwise be able to articulate? For me, that happens frequently (although, I suppose that I have over 1,000 songs on my Blackberry kinda adds to that). This song truly speaks to me because, yeah, there are times when I feel alone. There are times when my son gets a hold of something that he's not supposed to (he is on an extremely necessary gluten-free diet) and he gets sick and angry that my strength is gone. When he has a panic attack and screams or tantrums, my heart is unbelievably weary and it takes every ounce of God-given grace in me to hold on to the little faith I have that God will see us through this.

"Why do we need this "rain" anyway, God? Wasn't the cancer enough? This kid is 9 and he's had five surgeries! Where are You? Why can't this all just be over?"

This has been a long journey for me, and believe me I have asked those questions so many times. What I'm beginning to realize is that this is my path to walk for a few reasons. First of all, without trial, there would be no reason for trust. Remember going to camp and having to do those trust fall exercises? I hated those!!! I thought that I was too big or someone would drop me on purpose. Every time, I tried to brace myself for the would be inevitable fall and it only made things harder on me and my catcher.

Here's the thing with God - nothing you carry is too big for Him to catch if you fall back. Philippians 4:19 says, "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." Likewise, 2 Corinthians 9:8 says, "And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others". God is not in the business of building you up just to let you fall. There is a reason that some of things that come to us do - to teach us to trust in the infinite grace of a God that loves you more than there are words to define.

Secondly, trials are for other people. Remember, we're given everything we need so that we can have plenty left to share with others. There are lessons I've learned during my time in being Kameron's mom that were learned so that my friends who come to me with newly diagnosed kids can avoid some of the things I tried that failed or look into some of the things that worked. Mostly, they don't feel alone now. They know that I'm on this road with them and that I understand their feelings. 

Remember the feeding of the 5,000 found in the gospels? A small boy gave his small lunch to Jesus and it was multiplied because of his faith and trust in Someone bigger than he.  The principle is the same with faith and trust. If we can give the little we have to God, He can multiply it so that it is enough for us and those we reach.

There is a reason for all this. Some of it is to add to my story, and some of this will one day be Kameron's great testimony. In the meantime, I will be encouraged. God knows that this isn't easy for me. He knows that there are days I cry because I don't know if I have the strength to keep doing it. He knows that - to be honest - I haven't a clue how to be this beautiful boy's mommy. But, even though I sometimes feel alone, even though my strength is gone and I'm just trying to hold on and keep going day by day by day; even though His unmatched love is letting the rain fall down, He will get us through this. He holds all of this in the palm of His hand and He sees the end even though it feels like I'm still only at the beginning. 

He's got this...all I have to do is fall back.

<3

Mo

Gideon, Veggies and Trusting in the Great I AM

Most people who know me know that I have a rather insane love of VeggieTales. We have at one point seen and owned every movie - sometimes multiple copies of our favorite episodes - and generally have the new ones within days of release. One of my top three Veggie tales (haha!!!) is the retelling of Gideon.

The story of Gideon is found in the Book of Judges chapter 6. A professor of mine once called Gideon "Super Chicken" and he's right. In the Bible, he's threshing wheat in the wine press in order to hide and save it from the Midianite army. In the Veggie Tales version, a cucumber is being picked on by his "stronger and bigger" pea (yes, that's right) brothers.

Imagine the surprise of both versions of Gideon when approached by an angel and hailed a mighty warrior! Wait...who? You can't be talking to me...can you?

Gideon wasn't very brave. When it comes to people, I'm not very brave either. I like for people to think I trust them more than I do because then they think they're "in deep". There have been many people in my life who thought we were the best of best friends because I allowed them to think that. Sure, I cared about them. But, I don't do vulnerable. With anyone. Including God.

Which makes my life scripture so puzzling. Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. For the longest time, I thought I really understood this. I always made my personal interpretation "align yourself". To a large degree, I wasn't wrong. God is not my personal ATM or vending machine set to dispense my wishes upon request. He acts according to His will and sovereignty. My will and my desires and my life must be aligned with Him in order for that transaction and promise to work. So, kudos to me, by the grace of God, I understood a piece of Scripture.

But I missed a very key part...more on that later. Back to Gideon!


God wants Gideon to lead an army. Huh? He's hiding. In a wine press. Threshing wheat. O...k. Typically, this was done on in the open air on a windy day. Not at the bottom of a pit. Evidently, he's a little frightened. And with good reason. It's not like these were nice people he was hiding from. And Gideon is supposed to lead an army. Against them. The runt guy from the runt family from the runt clan in the runt nation. Uh huh.

Both versions Gideon ask the angel/Pa Grape for a sign to know if God is really in this. That word pops up in the story of Gideon a lot - 'if'. Verse 13 basically says, "If the Lord is with us, then why is all this bad stuff happening?" We ask that of God quite often, too, don't we? So Gideon goes back and forth between trust and doubt seesawing until finally he obeys God and with horns, flashlights and a catchy marching band (oh, I'm sorry, that's Veggie Tales again) watches as God goes before them and the Midianite army is defeated.

I say all that to say this: what was missing from much of Gideon's story is trust. That much is obvious. The same can be said for our lives. We can have faith, but not trust. So often we consider the two synonymous.  Gideon's lack of trust in God was obvious by his lack of peace. He believed or had faith in God. But he didn't trust that God was on his side.

What does that mean for my life scripture?


I take great delight in my husband. I do this because his faithfulness has been proven and I trust him without question. So, while we are aligned (most of the time) and our desires for each other and our relationship are met without question because we are (scarily) in sync, we also delight in each other because we love each other. We are at peace with each other. If my sweetie says he's going to do something, I sleep well (usually) knowing it will be done...more often than not in a reasonable amount of time.

And he's fallible.

How much more should we trust and delight and align ourselves with God? If God is calling you mighty man/woman of valor and trying to send you off somewhere that looks a little scary, trust that He knows where you'll end up. If, like me, God is only asking that you give Him your dreams and let Him take hold of them, trust that it's not because He's going to stomp on them. When we are aligned with God, He breathes His desires into our hearts. When we trust Him, it is our delight to give those dreams back and His delight to see them come to fruition.

So, all my Super Chicken friends, while you're practicing your mustard seed faith, don't forget to trust. Also, don't forget that singing and talking vegetables often carry a heck of a lot of wisdom.

Larry/Gideon: When has a battle ever been won by marching in formation?
Pa Grape/angel: You'd be surprised.


(psst...that's my hint...don't forget to worship, either)

~Mo

Waiting on the Son to Shine

I've been absent for a while. Not only from the blog, but in a lot of ways, from myself. I hit burnout a couple of months ago and, even though I tried to push through it, I failed miserably. I got to a point one weekend where all I could do for pretty much a whole day was sit in my room and cry.

I felt as though I had been faithful to the things that God had called me to do and yet I was tired. Simply tired of being tired. Where was my reward? Not that I needed anything big, at that point a  let up from the rain on my life would have been nice.

The past fifteen or so years have been tough, and anyone who has been present will attest to that. I've been touched by cancer so many times that I should have a bracelet for ones most of you don't even know exist. I love my son, but autism isn't exactly a walk in the park. Sometimes, being his mom isn't easy or fun. I wouldn't change him for the world, but there are days I would lower his volume.

So, here I was, wondering why God put dreams in my heart that He didn't seem to want to give me only to give them to other people at the exact time I wanted them to show up. This is one of those times most of my non-Christian friends ask me the same question they've been asking me for more than a decade: "given what goes on in your life, why do you still believe in God?"

*cue an old school Larnelle Harris song*

"You were with me when the sun was shinning, and You were still beside me when it rained."

So back to my day of tears. I cried it out all day Saturday and come Sunday morning, I didn't feel like going to church AT ALL. Which is EXACTLY why I knew I had to go. We had a moment of talking about the prophetic and were encouraged to give messages to those around us if we felt God's leading no matter how obscure they seemed. This was written on a note card and given to me: "You are My child. You are loved. My burden is light."

*cue same song*

So You were in it after all....I don't know how I could have missed it, Jesus, but you were in it after all.....

Just like that, the Son came out and warmed my heart. And wouldn't you know it, He wouldn't stop there. About a week later, a good friend of mine was having a time in her life where she felt like she would never reach the place she wanted to and wanted God to restore her faith so she would get there on that day and go "Aha!!! I get it!!" (or in other words)


So You were in it after all. All of those moments I spent crying, when something inside of me was dying. I didn't know that You heard me each time I called. You had a reason for those trials. It seems I grow stronger every mile know I know, that You were in it after all.

Sometimes, what we go through isn't just for us. Ironically enough, that's part of what I was crying about that Saturday it rained all over my heart. I thought that God put dreams and desires in my heart, not to give them to me, but to burden my heart for others so that through their victories, I could get vicarious joy. I'm not even sure that's scriptural, but that's how I felt after some long long moments and feeling really really tired.

* I love this song, don't you?*

We're always ready, Lord, to take the glory, but, we're seldom willing to endure the pain.

To be honest, I'm a little tired of the pain, and I won't lie to you and say that I'm not. But knowing that He's in it with me "taking the blows that I've been given, tending the wounds that needed mending" makes the rain a little easier to live through. Just knowing that what I go through today may help my wonderful and amazing and beautiful friends tomorrow makes it worth it.

So to you, my dear friends, and even the random strangers who might come across this, if you are tired of the rain and waiting on the Son to shine, know that even if it's storming, He's holding the umbrella. Without the rain, there can be no growth. Of course, the same is true for the sun. So don't worry!!! The clouds will part and the rainbows will be back before you know it.


Until then, splash in the puddles. You never know who is watching you go through you hard times and who needs to see you do it well.


Peace. Love. Music from the 80's.

~Mo~ 

Love and History

"See how very much our Father loves us, for He calls us His children, and that is what we are! But, but the people who belong to this world don't recognize that we are God's children because they don't know Him. 

1 John 3:1 (emphasis mine)

A good friend of mine told me a while ago that (because she's adopted) she hates history. She says it's because she doesn't have one. She also told me that the God I know must be "different" than the G/god that others she's in contact with know. Without trying to speculate too much into why that could be, I will assume that it is because some of the people she knows who call themselves Christians have a nasty habit of using God to their advantage or twisting His word or His character to hurt her.

The sad thing about the fact that she and I just had this conversation a few months ago, is the fact that I've known her for several years. At first, she was just a friend of my husband's family and then we developed a friendship that was more our own. Knowing how she had so been hurt in the past by people claiming to be followers of Christ, I hid that part of me from her for years. Maybe I didn't want to scare her off. Maybe I didn't want to be associated with people that used Scripture to make themselves look good - or to make her look bad. Whatever the reason, she did not see my "God side" as she does now until the middle of last year. 

When I think about people who have had bad experiences with the church or with people of God, it saddens me greatly. As a follower of Christ, I fully recognize the immense love He has for us and the desire He has to enter into a personal relationship with us. A book I'm reading for a class I'm taking breaks down the verse above by interpreting the key words more accurately based on the original words that were chosen. The word "see" used is more precisely a word that should mean "stop and take notice"; "how very much" is more "immeasurable beyond reason or comprehension"; "He loves us" describes something that is exceeding and continuous with no possible end.

That really seems like a lot to take in! I'd like to think I love my children a lot - like many of you who are parents likely love your children with everything you have in you. But, what God has in Him is so much bigger than what we can offer, it makes our "immeasurable" love for our children minuscule by comparison. 

So why so much love?

Romans 8:15 talks about us receiving "The Spirit of adoption" by which we can look to God and cry out "Abba Father" (most often translated as a word similar to "Daddy"). The next verse says something that I think is often looked over. "The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." We. Are. His. Kids. You may have had the best parents in the world. You're still God's kid. You may have had the worst parents in the world. You're still God's kid. You may not know you're parents. You're still God's kid. And just like with our children, sometimes the Father has to let us fall down so that we learn how to get back up. As much as we'd like to protect our children from every bad thing that happens, sometimes we have to let them go through things so they can learn. We always have their backs. We're always here to support them. We always love them. 

So, what do I say to a friend who is going through so much right now it brings tears to my eyes? How do I tell her it's going to be okay? How do I help her find her history?  The next verse in Romans 8 (17) says this: "Now, if we are His children, then we are the co-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if needed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory." And, there it is! Sometimes, we have to go through bad things. Hard things. Things that make us question where God is and if His love is real. But, (as is stated in Romans 8:28) "we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." We were never promised easy. We have always been promised love. 

It is in that love that we find our history.

We see the way that the love of God has sustained our brothers and sisters in Christ whether they be our family, our friends our church members or individuals whose lives were detailed within the pages of the Bible. We know where we came from. We know who our family is. And, if we're willing to align ourselves in God, we know where we're going. 

So, if you are feeling displaced or disconnected, remember that your history is HIS-STORY. Because He is your Father, you can look to Him and know that you are treasured in a way that goes beyond words. He made you in His image and for His purpose. Isaiah 44:2 says, "This is what the Lord says - He who made you, Who formed you in your mother's womb and Who will help you. DO NOT BE AFRAID."

So, take a breath, and remember that your Dad is looking out for you. He's got your back. He loves you. He knows your history. He knows where you're going. Know what that means?

...you're gonna be okay...